Does America Have a Snack Problem?

As the Super Bowl creeps closer we also approach the end of stupid Super Bowl related news stories.

While I don’t mind an occasional feature on a deal telling me what team I should bet on, by Thursday afternoon I’m pretty burned out on all the cookie cutter stuff. If the headline doesn’t grab my eye, I really won’t give it the time of day.

Something that will always grab my attention is snacks. I love them. Always have, always will. Some people live for breakfast, others enjoy a nice lunch or a well prepared dinner. But good old Tommy Yinzer loves him a good snack. Can’t explain why.

Super Bowl Sunday is the, well, Super Bowl of snacks as well.

Football season in general is prime snack time. While I will agree that baseball is probably the best sport to snack at while watching at a stadium, there is nothing better than eating bar food and watching football.

As a simple man, I figured that there were a handful of universal football snacks that we as a nation share. Regardless of where you live, what color skin your have or what economic background you come from, the basics of wings, pizza, beer, fries, nachos, etc. apply to everyone when watching the Super Bowl…. At least that’s what I thought.

I recently saw a map of what every states favorite Super Bowl snack are, well, appalling.

To be fair, this list is broken up into different categories which might make some states look worse than they should. However, some of these answers are just completely unacceptable.

Lets start off with Massachusetts, whose favorite appetizer is gluten free pretzels.,,,,,

What the fuck is that all about? There is probably no other state in the nation that has watched more playoff football in the past two decades than Massachusetts and you mean to tell me their go to snack to start things off is a hand full of gluten free pretzels? THAT is really the go to snack of the most obnoxious and hard ass fan base in the NFL?

Maybe that is the key to taking down the Patriots dynasty. Forget trying to pressure Brady or slow down the New England run game, Maybe all that we have to do is feed their entire fan base a few cheeseburgers and it will turn Gillette Stadium into a literal shit show that no team can win in.

Next up we have Indiana whose favorite main dish is fried rice.

I don’t know about the rest of yinz, but when I think of Indiana, I think of jump shots, farming and of course, Chinese food. This one is just mind blowing. I mean the gluten free pretzels in Mass make a bit of sense because of all the lib cuck hipsters that all probably live in the Boston suburbs, but I have no clue where the connection between fried rice and Hoosiers began.

No matter where it comes from, I would love for someone, anyone, to explain to me why the fuck rice is even remotely close to being considered a football snack.

Football food isn’t healthy. Plain and simple./ As Dan Marino has said on pretty much every radio show that he has made an appearance on this week, guys wait until after the Super Bowl to start their diet. Why? Because you can’t enjoy football while you’re worried about dumb shit like “calories” or “long term health”.

The only time I can ever, EVER, consider rice even remotely okay to be on your plate is if it is next to a big ass steak from Texas Road House. Even then, you’re pushing it.

Finally, who the fuck considers rice a main dish? Overall I’d consider rice a decent side dish for most meals but as the main event? No meat or vegetables? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

I can just picture it now. A whole bunch of simple minded heart land folk waking up in their farm homes, putting on their blue and white to watch Andrew Luck while eating a pot full of fried fucking rice. That sounds so fucking boring, I can now understand why Jimmy’s dad was an alcoholic in that overrated basketball film.

Last but not least, I just wanted to point out not a specific state but a rather disappointing trend. There are wayyyyy too many soup states on this map.

Now look, I am not here to say that soup doesn’t have a place during football season. If I did, I would have to deal with mama McNabb.

Ain’t nobody want that smoke.

Anyway, my issue here isn’t with the soup as a whole, but the soup selection. Oklahoma’s go to is Chicken Noodle, Not the worst but definitely not what I expected from that state. However, they are the least of my concerns.

Iowa’s go to Super Bowl main dish is Irish Stew. IRISH STEW. How? How can that possibly be? Are there a lot of Irish people in Iowa? Who the fuck knows? Even if there are, where in god’s name are people watching football on Sunday afternoons in that state? Random soccer pubs?

Yet, not even the absolute mind fuck that is Iowa’s love for Irish Stew can throw me off more than Montana’s favorite side dish which is Lentil Soup.

I legitimately have zero idea as to what that is but I can promise you I would hate it if I were to try it one day. If this was a real state, I would search google to find some answers but to be honest, Montana simply is not worth my time. I was hoping their side dish would be something bad ass like Elk jerky but I could not have been more wrong.

If you take away one thing from this blog, let it be this. DONT TRY TO GET CUTE ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. If you are going to a Super Bowl party and are asked to bring a snack, keep it simple and stick to the classics.

Wings, beer, pizza, chips, dip, pretzels, etc. Don’t be that jagoff to bring gluten free pretzels or Lentil soup. Just be normal for one day, or just stay home, where you can eat your fried rice judgment free,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s