This weekend we are supposed to be getting a huge snow storm throughout Western Pennsylvania. Aside from Antonio Brown, it has been the main topic of discussion anywhere and everywhere you go.
Every winter the city of Pittsburgh gets hit with at least one notable snow storm. Most of the time it ends up being similar to my sex life in high school. It seems like there is a chance for something exciting to happen but more often than not, everyone ends up being disappointed.
Regardless of how much snow the city gets, the reactions from certain people throughout Pittsburgh has become pretty unbearable. Here is my list of the top five worst types of people in Pittsburgh during a snow storm.
5. People Who Cannot Drive in Snow
It is easy to dislike these idiots. Most of these people are either teenagers or people who did not grow up in a cold area. (Notice how I didn’t add women to that sentence. Credit to me for being progressive)
We all deal with these jagoffs every winter. They hit a small patch of ice and slam their breaks or think their 2009 Prius can make it up Troy Hill. In the end, these people just fuck everything up for the rest of us.
In addition to having to be extra cautious on the roads, we have to keep an eye out for these people too. They are like the bad guys in the movie bird box, who can see the demons because they are mentally evil. They might not be the main problem but they do a damn good job of making shit even harder to deal with for everyone else.
4. Overly Prepared Moms
You better hope to god you don’t run out of toilet paper or bread this weekend because we all know for damn sure that Janet in Sewickley purchased all of the essential items for sale in the five closest Giant Eagles to her four bedroom house in the suburbs.
These are the same people who say “I cannot believe they didn’t cancel school today” when it isn’t supposed to snow until 7 PM. It does not matter what these people had planned this weekend, it is now canceled because SNOW WILL BE ON THE ROADS.
Their daughter is having her first child? “Sorry honey, we are supposed to get 3-7 inches tonight and if I wreck your baby will never meet me at all.”
Their kids will miss school, sports practice (probably dumb sports like soccer or swimming) and social events on the weekend because of their fear to RISK THEIR LIVES on the artic tundra known as the Park Way.
Even though they will not be driving this weekend, you bet your sweet ass they have a box of kitty litter, four large blankets and a weeks worth of nonperishable food stored in the trunk of their mini van just incase they find themselves stranded on the side of the road for 45 minutes while they wait for AAA.
They will not only tell you how dangerous the snow is but judge you for risking your own life if you decide to continue doing normal human things during a snow storm.
3. The “This is Nothing” People
For every Janet in Sewickley, there is also a Tony from Carrick who doesn’t give a FUCK about the snow. So much so, that he needs to take to every form of social media (probably only Facebook) to let everyone know.
Before the storm even starts, he is the guy telling everyone from his kids to the cashier at 7/11 that “those weather guys on TV are never right!”. He then will probably back his argument by telling you a story from his childhood when an unexpected rain storm ruined a fishing trip with him and his father who he doesn’t get quality time with.
During the snow storm, this guy spends more time looking out the window then my dog while I’m at work. He will be found muttering phrases such as “This is it?” or “This ain’t so bad” for the entire afternoon. He will also take any chance he gets to come after Janet from Sewickley on Facebook.
Next up are the horror stories. If we get 11 inches of snow tomorrow, Tony will be the first one to remind us all how when he was a kid, he walked to school every winter in a 40 inch snow storm, up hill, BOTH WAYS.
His last step is going out on public to flex his toughness. He has to drive out there to prove that the rest of the city are a bunch of watered down NBA Fans (The Pittsburgh term for being a pussy). He goes out in his boots, an old pair of sweat pants and a short sleeve shirt that probably has a retired Steelers player on it.
2. Penn DOT
There is no specific information that I have to back this claim. I just knew I had to include them on this list. Talk to anyone after a snow storm and they will all say, “Penn DOT did a really shitty job cleaning everything up.”.
90% of Yinzers will say that their road was the only one in the entire town that didn’t get plowed. They will say it has been this way since 1990. Does it matter that they live in Westmoreland County and have three houses within a five mile radius of their address? ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING NOT. They are now going to die because Penn Dot didn’t clear their road off at 5 AM before their day started.
The worst thing about Penn DOT is the fact that no one really knows who the blame. Sure they probably have a CEO or spokesperson but looking that up would be a real pain in the ass. It is much easier to voice your Penn DOT frustration to the Mayor, the mailman or the KDKA TV news. One of those people has to know who is running the show down at Penn DOT and they will surely get this situation fixed ASAP.
One would think that Penn DOT people live for this shit. That they would be perfect. I mean what the fuck else are they doing for the other three seasons? Raking Leaves? Pulling the tarp off of the infield at PNC Park during a rain delay? I honestly have no clue at all but damn it, this is their time to shine.
I like to imagine their boss giving them a speech similar to Herb Brooks gave to the 1980 USA Men’s Hockey Team before they played Russia in the semi final game in the Olympics, before they get in their trucks and head out.
“Great moments are born by great opportunities. That’s what you have hear tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned. One storm. If we get 10 blizzards this year, we might fuck up during nine of them. But not this one, not tonight. Tonight, we clear the roads. Tonight, we salt the roads BECAUSE WE CAN. Tonight….. YOU are the greatest Department of Transportation employees in the world. I am so tired of hearing what a great job O-DOT does when it snows in Ohio, SCREW EM! This is your time, now go out there and take it!”
Or something similar to that. However, instead of pulling off a historic victory that both reignited American excellence and pretty much ended the cold war, they just forget to plow half the city and piss everyone off.
1. The Old People
Pretty much every list that I make involving types of people that suck will have Old People at the top of it. They are overall just the worst. Especially during a snow storm.
They can’t go outside because they might fall and break a hip but we will all be damned if they miss bingo at the VFW on Saturday morning or aren’t the first person at church on Sunday.
Statistically, these people are the closest to dying. That sentence is not written out of hate, it is just a fact. If that is the case then why do we put so much effort into looking after these people during a snow storm?
Anytime you hear that snow is coming the news tells us to do the same bullshit. Buy the essentials, take your pets inside and check on the elderly. Why the fuck is the third thing just as important as the first two? They have been alive longer than the rest of us, shouldn’t they know the drill by now?
Apparently not. Old people are also key contributors to the first two categories that I listed as well. They already suck at driving and buy a ton of dumb shit so a blizzard is literally a perfect storm for them that exposes all of their many, many flaws.